I found these five stages of marriage originally in a Reader's Digest magazine at the dentist’s office and I memorized them. Just so you can know them to, here they are again from Rock Solid Marriages “The Five Stages of Marriage”.
Now, our marriage, to my surprise, has followed the outline more then I thought it would. Even though our religion has influenced our marriage, we still encountered high spots and low times as we learned what love and marriage really was.
As I unfold my experiences with our relationship it comforts me to know that both my wife and I thought of marriage as a permanent arrangement (while we were both still twitterpated). Of course, my dad and granddad told me they’d be after me if I ever gave my sweet wife a reason to leave me; while my dad-in-law told my wife to be, she wasn’t to ever show up on their door step without my blessing. So, with backing like this, we were set and got married.
Experiencing Stage One
Laura and I met at a church owned college two days before President’s Day in February. If you haven’t guessed, this church owned college had a reasonably strict policy with dating, bedtimes, housing, and acceptable clothing. All this aside, from President’s Day till mid April (end of term) I spent noon to ten in the evening at her place during the week. However, I lived close enough to the school I drove home to see mom and dad on weekends.
As the term ended, Laura needed two more classes to graduate early. She ended up taking a summer semester on the road. So we wrote a book of letters back and forth. I just got a job in a gardening center and hunkered down. Then after graduation, she had to go to California (wild oats). So, the letters continued. We were so love sick we got married in December of that same year. Both of us Temple ready knowing that eternity wasn’t long enough.
Getting to Stage Two
Where to start? To this day we still have standing disagreements we don’t discuss. However, I know her “emotion laden words” and she knows mine. When she’s upset she cleans. I go to my mind castle. She likes to talk about problems. I just need a quiet moment to reflect. Toothpaste! She’s a center squeezer; I’m an end roller.
We parent differently. I believe in filtered natural and enforced consequences passed to the kid. She protects the kid and takes the consequences herself. When the kids' school called for disciplinary measures, she has been known to let the kid off and take the punishment herself. Me, I believe that if they don’t feel some heat they don’t learn anything.
Drudging Though Stage Three
Stage three was rough. She was busy with kids and I was left out. I didn’t do well. I was lonely. Selfishness was creeping in on me. And I know she was scared. She was afraid of losing me and being alone too. I spent a lot of time on my knees begging God for help to understand how to act besides hurt.
One night we had a fight about something stupid and I was mad enough to sleep on the floor just off my side of the bed. We had a waterbed (forever) and I was making too many waves that night. This is when we decided to vault up certain disagreements and agree to disagree. That way the little stuff was less volatile. And, I spent less time on the floor.
I started a relationship library but, it’s only recently that it comes in handy. During this stage, my library looked more like I was preparing to argue in court. The biggest problem was that I wanted to run to my man cave and read and she wanted to talk it out... without any books or insight. It surprises me to this day how much she thinks I can pull out of thin air. If only I could.
The Grace of Stage Four
One day my wife was slaving in the kitchen and fuming. Suddenly she exploded. At the end of her episode was her need for recognition. I learned that as long as I showed her appreciation my life was easier. The funny thing is, even if she knows I’m just stroking her feathers, out of my own ignorance of her state, it works for her.
She, on the other hand, bends in so many different directions to be at my side. What I thought was a problem of being “lonely in a crowd” ended up being a miscommunication of love languages. It’s still a challenge but at least I understand now and I can interpret.
Deliverance and Stage Five
I know she doesn’t enjoy all the things I like and vise versa. I enjoy fire and cooking over a charcoal barbecue. As a kid my family loved camping trips and campfire cooking. I’ve even mastered cooking pizza and many common meal menus on my barbecue. However, I still find myself alone after the fire starts.
In the end, after three or four hours of firing the grill and cooking all the entries, I console myself in knowing that sure she missed the fire but, she’s Jane on the spot when it comes to cleaning up the food and utensils afterwards.
As we’ve worked through our health challenges, I know she is there to pull me back from the grasp of socialized medicine. I have also done my best to keep her upright as well. I love Laura very much. I’m looking forward to an eternity with her at my side.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that marriage is a choice. You can choose selflessness and flourish or selfishness and drown.